Legion
[Movie Review]

After watching this abomination, one can’t help but feel that God was on the right track when he sentenced humanity to death. His only mistake was in overreaching. If He’d limited the angelic slaughter to the Hollywood moguls behind schlock like this, I think it’s safe to say we’d all be rooting for Him.
          
You don’t need to see Legion, friends, and not just because it’s awful, but because you’ve seen it all before. This is essentially The Terminator with God playing the role of Skynet, and Archangel Michael (Paul Bettany) as Kyle Reese.

God’s finally had it. After all these years, nothing’s changed. We’re apparently still the same hateful, small-minded losers we were in Noah’s time. He’s given up. But rather than rain down a great big flood to drown us all, He’s sending His angels to exterminate us. Now, folks, these aren’t the angels we read about back in Bible class. These winged goons have been watching way too much Ultimate Fighting Championship on pay-per view. They’ve ditched their halos and white robes, and donned Kevlar body suits, black ink prison tats, and studded metal collars. Gone are the days of gentle, bespectacled angels like, say, the beloved Clarence from Frank Capra’s It’s a Wonderful Life.

It all boils down to a last stand in desert, but then—doesn’t it always? A motley bunch of misfits and loners have converged at a ramshackle diner outside Mojave. Gruff but heroic Vietnam vet (Charles S. Dutton). Hard luck but basically decent proprietor (the ubiquitous Dennis Quaid). Simple but stalwart Everyman (drawl-merchant Lucas Black). Haughty rich lady (Kate Walsh) with her cipher of a husband (Jon Tenney) and tart of a daughter (Willa Holland). Urban dude with a ‘tude (Tyrese Gibson). In short, the usual suspects. One wayward young woman named Charlie (Adrianne Palicki of Friday Night Lights - the TV Series fame) is pregnant with a child of, shall we say, unspecified siring. Did I mention it was Christmastime?
Uh-huh. That’s right.
Just as things start to get downright hellish, Renegade Archangel Michael appears and announces sternly that the future of the human race hinges on this child’s birth. Indeed, he has violated a direct order from on high and come here to protect the baby. But there are no guarantees. Why? Because unfortunately the Terminator, in the form of the Archangel Gabriel (the imposing Canadian actor Kevin Durand), is on his way to terminate the baby. Gabriel is God’s brainless “yes” angel. Programmed to follow orders. That’s what he does. That’s all he does—if you will.

The rest I’ll leave for you to find out at the theater. Or not.
Tyro director Scott Stewart, best known for his visual effects work, restricts the action to the diner, giving the movie a regrettably stagy quality. The idea of the diner as a single-set pressure cooker, with its terrified inhabitants cracking under the strain of the impending assault, would actually have worked if the script—by Stewart and Peter Schink (a long-time film editor making an ill-advised foray into writing)—had enough smarts to develop the requisite tension. As it is, the characters talk a lot but no one seems to say anything. Well, anything important, that is.

The only performance worth noting is Dutton’s. The man can make angel food cake out of last Sunday’s stale host. He’s got screen magic in his soul. The rest of the cast is on autopilot, especially Bettany, who looks like he suffered from a tooth ache for the entire shoot.

The film’s saving grace, so to speak, is John Frizzell’s score. Deep, thoughtful material. Layered. Intelligent. Anchoring music like this to a film of such low quality is a bit like harnessing a thoroughbred to a milk cart. It’ll get the job done all right, but is capable of so very much more.

Legion’s vision of a capricious, fallible and mean-spirited Old Testament God seems out of touch with the times. He fathers what we have to assume is another messiah, then abruptly experiences a change of heart and calls it quits on mankind. But rather than snap his fingers and kill us instantly, he elects to have his angels fly down and tear us to bits. To make matters worse, these angels are foul-mouthed, blood-lusting vermin. 
Ugly stuff.
Skip this one.  
           
Bold Films (Screen Gems)
U.S. Release Date: January 22, 2010
Director: Scott Stewart
Screen writers: Peter Schink and Scott Stewart
Running Time: 100 minutes