funny?
So these two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street and the first one says, "Ohmigod, I think I lost an electron!" Concerned, the second one asks, "Are you sure?" To which the first one replies, "Yeah, I’m positive."
Thanks. Thanks so much. No, please hold your applause until the end.
In my experience, the science fiction community has a pretty good sense of humor. In the last few years we’ve given Hugos to Connie Willis for her novel To Say Nothing of the Dog <http://www.epiphyte.net/SF/nothing-of-the-dog.html> and to the creators of Galaxy Quest <http://www.questarian.com>, a movie that pokes some gentle fun at us, ferchrissakes. And why shouldn’t we laugh at ourselves? Have we looked at us in the mirror lately?
There are many websites that purport to be funny, but few with content that can raise a smile. For example, I am often directed to sites that will mess around with my name. By typing "Jim Kelly" into The Hobbit Name Generator <http://www.chriswetherell.com/hobbit/default.asp>, I discover that my Tolkien name is Sancho Bulge of Hobbiton. Whereas my smurf name, as told by the Smurf Name Generator <http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mule/smurfgen.html>, is Lydia Smurf and the Star Wars Name Generator <http://www.insectdissection.com/save-curtis/swname> makes me out to be Jimke Remin with the honorific Yllvega of Melatonin. Hmm. Am I having fun yet? Actually some non-genre name generators struck me as slightly more amusing. The website Ticqle <http://www.ticqle.com/wired/play> tells me that my Blues name is Drooping Gums Jefferson and my Viking name is Ulkel the Vile. Meanwhile, when I join the WWF, I’ll vault into the ring as Corporal Punishment, according to the Pro-Wrestler Name Generator <http://sclose.home.mindspring.com/wrestler.htm>. Actually the funniest site of this genre doesn’t riff on your name at all. Instead Lee’s Useless Super Hero Generator <http://home.hiwaay.net/~lkseitz/comics/herogen> creates super heroes and villains. For example, maybe this summer we’ll see the blockbuster movie The Irresistible Gorilla Fury, about a crime fighter whose powers include extreme popularity, telescopic vision, and perfect pitch. Gorilla Fury (aka Fury Gorilla) fights evil with his Fury Spores and gets around in his Fury Submarine. But has he met his match in The Mesmerizing Hate Bat (aka Bathate) whose powers are gravity control and elasticity and who will pull his Bat Derringer on you when you least expect it?
And where does Hate Bat turn when he needs new evil gadgetry? Why to The Villainsupply.com Home Lair <http://www.villainsupply.com>, "your best online source for everything EVIL. If you are a supervillain, mad scientist, warlord, dictator, or despot, then this is the place for you." In the market for a new hideaway? Villainsupply.com has packages for every price range, from the corrugated metal Budget Lair with Mini-Dome ($4,999–save 20 percent) to the Subterranean Island Base With Optional Volcano Upgrade ($999,999,999.99). In the Traps and Torture section, you’ll find the Shark Trap, the Maze Of Death, and the Cognitron 2000 Engram Destabilizer, while over in Superweapons, check out the Roentgen 8000 Ground-Based Gauss Projector and the Budget Rail Gun Home Kit. Unfortunately your enjoyment of this splendid site will be hampered by the annoying banner ads for merchants like Evil Realtor.com, Henchjobs.com and the World Domination Fund.
funnier
Maybe it’s because I’m a writer, but I really, really like Book a Minute SF/F <http://www.rinkworks.com/bookaminute/sff.shtml>. Let these rascals introduce themselves: "Let’s face it. There’s a lot of science fiction and fantasy out there and very little time to read it in. Well sit back and relax, because your troubles are solved! We here at Book-A-Minute SF/F have come up with a solution. We’ve taken several great speculative fiction novels and extracted the important stuff, cutting out all the filler. (You’d be surprised how much filler there is sometimes.) With our ultra-condensed versions of your favorite speculative fiction, you can read entire books–entire series, even–in just one minute!"
And that, my friends, is the longest paragraph on the site. But perhaps you’re skeptical. Here’s the one minute version of Gulliver’s Travels, as condensed by Samuel Stoddard:
(Gulliver visits some places.)
A Lilliputian
We’re small.
A Brobdingnagian
We’re big.
A Horse
We can talk.
(Gulliver goes home.)
Gulliver
Humanity sucks. I hate people.
THE END
Pretty amazing, huh? And to think you might have wasted days, perhaps weeks reading before you could discuss Jonathan Swift’s masterpiece at a cocktail party or the con suite. Here’s another classic you won’t ever have to plow through: H. G. Wells’ The Time Machine, courtesy of David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard:
The Time Traveller
I’m going to travel ten scrillion years into the future. Maybe they’ll know what my name is.
Weena
I’m a member of the beautiful Eloi race. We’re dumb as bricks.
A Morlock
Har. We Morlocks are ugly and mean. We have taken your time machine.
(The Time Traveller recovers the time machine and goes home.)
THE END
I have from time to time in the past commended William Strunk Jr.’s The Elements of Style <http://www.bartleby.com/141> to beginning writers. Way back in 1918, Strunk handed down eighteen rules and principles, which are the writers’ equivalent of the Ten Commandments. For me, the most important principle is Strunk’s Thirteenth: Omit needless words. What Book a Minute SF/F teaches us is that almost all words are needless. But wait, you may be saying. Perhaps their revolutionary method works on individual novels, but can they squeeze a series into sixty seconds? Here’s Isaac Asimov’s Foundation trilogy, brought to you by Mssrs. Stoddard and Parker.
Hari Seldon
I used Psychohistory and set up two Foundations. Now it’ll only be 1000 years between Galactic Empires instead of 30,000.
First Foundation
La la la, la la la, things are going pretty well.
The Mule
Ya-hah! I’ve ruined your plans!
First Foundation
Gasp!
(The Second Foundation fixes everything.)
THE END
funniest
I’m sorry to have to wander off the reservation for my pick for the funniest site on the web, but is there any question that it’s "America’s Finest News Source," The Onion <http://www.theonion.com>? The Onion is a dead-on newspaper parody, with a special emphasis on the USA Today-ization of print journalism. Recently The Onion has been in the (allegedly) real news when the most popular newspaper in China, The Beijing Evening News, foisted The Onion’s send-up of Congress as a greedy baseball team as legitimate international news on 1.25 credulous readers. Here’s the Onion’s headline: Congress Threatens to Leave D.C. Unless New Capitol is Built <http://www.theonion.com/onion3820/congress_threatens.html>. According to The Onion, the two cities vying to host the Congressional relocation were Memphis and Charlotte. Told that the story was not true, an editor from The Beijing Evening News said, "We would first have to check that out. If it’s indeed fake, I’m sure there will be some form of correction."
And yet, although the staff of The Onion draws material from today’s headlines, they have a penchant for the absurd that inspires them to make the fantastic literal, a sensibility that is often featured here in the pages of Asimov’s. For example, consider U.S. Dept. of Retro Warns: ‘We May Be Running Out of Past’ <http://www.theonion.com/onion3214/usretro.html>. Or how about
Stephen Hawking Builds Robotic Exoskeleton <http://www.theonion.com/onion3123/hawkingexo.html>. And then there’s X-Files Fan Killed For Knowing Too Much
<http://www.theonion.com/onion3603/xfiles_fan_killed.html>. And what about this headline from The Onion’s June 29, 1939, edition, Enormous Radio Tower Placed Atop Earth: RKO Radio Pictures Could Disrupt Earth’s Orbit With Colossal New Logo <http://www.theonion.com/onion3823/history_3823.html>. Wasn’t that a story by Michael Swanwick <http://www.michaelswanwick.com>? Or was it Howard Waldrop <http://www.sff.net/people/Waldrop>? In any event, when Terry Bisson <http://www.terrybisson.com> becomes Pope-Emperor of the Entire Galaxy Except Peoria, IL, it will fall to The Onion to explain his policies.
exit
So a neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Budweiser. When it’s served, the neutron asks how much it will be. The bartender just smiles and waves his hand. "For you," he says, "no charge."
Thank you, thanks very much. You’ve been a great audience.
